To: Stephen Perkins, Editor-in-Chief
From: OUTSET Magazine Internal Affairs Czar
Re: Conrad Close, Internal Review
Mr. Conrad Close serves as the Managing Editor for OUTSET magazine. Mr. Close is a supporter of Marco Rubio for President but has not been hired by his campaign. He keeps mostly to himself and rarely, if ever, attempts to light dumpster trash on fire. That was, of course, until Mr. Close decided to use the English language in such a way that was above a level the average Trump supporter on Twitter could comprehend.
What follows is a narrative report of the incidents that took place between February 1st and February 3rd, 2016.
On our about 6:29 EST on February 1st, 2016, Mr. Close tweeted the following:
The Iowa caucuses took place later that night with Marco Rubio claiming 3rd, and Dr. Ben Carson a distant 4th.
On February 2nd, Ms. Jennifer Burke posted to the website, The Politistick, a synopsis of rumors and speculation that Marco Rubio played a hand in spreading the rumor that Dr. Ben Carson would drop out of the Presidential race.
In her analysis, titled “Uh Oh, Was Marco Rubio Guilty In The Ben Carson Dropout Rumor” to ensure neutrality, noted contradicting messages between that of Marco Rubio, and one of his supporters, Conrad. Marco Rubio stated on Fox News that he would not call for anyone to dropout of the race. Ms. Burke included a screen grab of Mr. Close’s tweet and stated that she recalled seeing this tweet “earlier in the day,” by which she meant one hour prior to hearing Marco’s statement. She sent the link to this tweet to one of her friends at 7:29pm, and, amazingly, when her friend clicked on the link “at 7:30pm” Mr. Close had deleted his tweet. Ms. Burke concluded her article indicating that she smelled a “cover-up” between Fox News and “golden-boy” Marco Rubio.
If you have never heard of The Poltistick before today, Mr. Perkins, I would not blame you. However, on February 3rd, syndicated talk radio host Rush Limbaugh cited the aforementioned article on his radio program and again referred to Mr. Close’s tweet. Of this evidence, Rush told his listeners “…the plot thickens here.” But rather than let the flames die, the Twittersphere fanned the flames of Mr. Close’s dumpster fire to new heights.
The impact of his poor wording grew to such lengths that more than a few theorists suggested Mr. Close may have personally stolen as many as 25,000 votes from the retired neurosurgeon.
Mr. Perkins, after an unnecessarily invasive and constitutionally questionable search of his home, we were not able to locate these ballots.
It is as if nobody on Twitter bothered to notice that Mr. Close lives in Georgia and tweeted the following thirty minutes prior to the tweet now at issue:
As of the time this report was filed, that tweet has not been deleted.
Indeed, Mr. Perkins, there is clear evidence to suggest that the nature of Mr. Close’s tweet was nothing more than the musings of an avid Rubio supporter who happens to pay attention to his Twitter account. This would be an astonishing find, Mr. Perkins, if this were not what literally every young person with an affinity for politics and access to the internet does. Mr. Close is guilty of nothing more than falling victim to the same paranoia and anger that enticed people to believe that the Microsoft Corporation engaged in a caucus-wide effort to shift votes from Donald Trump to Marco Rubio.
However, like all people who start dumpster fires, a correction in behavior must be made. We recommend of a 50% reduction in wages (this may occur once humanity finally learns how to divide by zero), and trash-emptying duties around the office. This would allow Mr. Close to become one with the discarded scraps he so ignorantly set ablaze on Monday, and to learn to appreciate the people who value these scraps, even if it seems obvious that they have nothing better to do.
Czar for Internal Affairs